Book Review: Sex at Dawn

Title: Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Author: Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha
Format: Trade Paper
Publisher: Harper Perennial
Pub Date: 2010; this edition: 2011
Read: July 2011
Source: Borders, the Shops at Columbus Circle
Why: You know I’d heard about this book a couple of times and it was on my To Read list…then I saw it in Borders while searching for The Rest Is Noise and thought I gotta get this.
Fulfills Challenge? Yes.

Review/Thoughts:
This was probably the most interesting work of non-fiction I’ve read in a while. Even more so than The Ancient Guide to Modern Life (which was damn good but still…this is far more relevant to my feminist interests).

Sex at Dawn essentially debunks everything you took for granted about human sexuality by examining the way our pre-historic ancestors lived, our closest relatives: chimps and bonobos, our physical anatomy, and other cultures. They argue that the standard narrative of sex is wrong. You know the one I’m talking about: men want to plant their seed in every woman imaginable because they can, women seek a man who can provide for and protect her and her offspring because well, 9 months is a damned long time to be pregnant and so mates must be chosen with care! There are certainly differences between the sexes, and at no point do they deny this. For example, though men are ready to go very quickly (unlike women), once a woman gets going, she can keep going. But for some reason, people interpret the former as an argument for men being more sexually inclined while the latter is ignored completely when it could be used to make the argument that women are just as sexual as men. Not to mention that the moment a woman shows the same sexual proclivities as a man, suggesting that one is not necessarily naturally more sexually inclined than the other, she’s deemed a slut. Because of course, that makes total sense. And people really think this doesn’t at least play a role? I mean, seriously?

Anyway, back to the book: Ryan and Jetha present a convincing case. When criticizing other evolutionary psychologists who support the standard narrative, they point to specific examples, so that it’s clear where they’re coming from and what they’re arguing against. Their main argument, besides challenging the above standard gender narrative is that monogamy does not come naturally to human beings, that it’s largely the result of the birth of agriculture. This argument and their presentation of it, for the most part, did seem to make sense to me. They also devote an entire section to non-sexy bits, entitled The Way We Weren’t, which provides context for a lot of their arguments and also suggests that Hobbes vision of humankind before ‘rules n shit’ is at best grossly overstated. Technically speaking this section probably wasn’t absolutely necessary, but it was just as fascinating as the rest of the text, so I didn’t mind one bit.

I don’t think the book is perfect — the “Philandering Phil” chapter rubbed me the wrong way though this seemed to be a widespread feeling as the authors included a note at the end explaining why they only chose to present a man’s tale of infidelity and not a woman’s as well. Phil was a friend who opened up, they had no female friends that opened up (I think they still should’ve made more of an effort to find a woman willing to talk. Also they argue that female infidelity is often more complicated, which to me is fine, EXPLORE THAT! Delve into that! They spent so much of the text arguing that women are actually biologically built for variety that I would have liked to see what infidelity looks like from a woman’s perspective in the context of the book’s theories. By only showing the philandering husband, it created the impression that MEN LIKE VARIETY, WOMEN DON’T, or rather, I suspect a lot of people looking for a reason to do so, will end up coming away with that.

Despite this problem, it’s still a book I feel everyone should read, and I rarely say that. It’s not so much that I think polyamory is the answer for everyone, but I do think the book is important in reminding us that we should at the very least question the standard narrative we’ve been sold regarding monogamy and sex and gender. Choosing to be monogamous should be just that, a CHOICE, with the understanding that there are other legitimate ways to approach sex and relationships even though they may not be for you personally.

Final Verdict: